Dear Co-Worker,

I think that it goes without saying that I am not the "ladiest" of ladies. And I'm sure that you've got this all figured out (as dense as you are) already, even though we've only known each other for something like seven weeks. I mean, seriously, I wore an oversized, blue Old Navy sweatshirt to work today which is only different from the sweatshirt I wore to work on Thursday in that the other one was grey. I get that I'm no Carrie Bradshaw or even a Miranda Hobbes so please don't read this letter as though it were the words of a polished, pencil skirt, Cosmopolitan magazine editor, or even subscriber. We're not fooling anybody here, right?

That being said, here's a tip for you to take with a grain of or the entire cardboard cylinder of Epson salt: If you have to tilt your head back until your nose is pointing towards the ceiling to insert whatever snack it is you're eating at a ridiculously rapid pace, you've grossly misunderstood the concept of a bite-sized portion.

Hold on, don't start walking away yet. We both know I didn't get this wonderfully curvaceous physique from *not* knocking down towers of thin mint cookies at a time, so please understand that I probably appreciate all aspects of the eating process as much as you do, although definitely not as noisily or offensively, but whatever. The point is, well, as hard as this is for me to say, you're noisy and offensive. You're a noisy and offensive desk eater and seven weeks is quite enough!

I'm probably a little sensitive, I know. Like, it's probably unreasonable of me to think you inconsiderate for picking the loudest snacks ever. Not just regular crackers, but RICE crackers. Nice touch, because wheat crackers wouldn't have been loud enough. And who doesn't love pistacchios? I know... they're great. But what's even greater is the promising talent you show for cracking them open with your teeth as loudly as you do. I understand that mastication is not generally a silent activity and that my toleration of the sound(s) it creates is probably lower than most, so... you know, whatever. But did you, indeed, have to buy the LARGEST BAG of said noisy foods you could find? Or was that just the largest bag you could fit under/on your desk? (P.S. Thanks for bringing in the Family sized bag of Ruffles and not sharing with ANYONE.)

In case this little memo has been to passive-aggressive for your radar, let me put it to you in a different manner: Would you please stop making so much freaking noise eating? It's bad enough I have to listen to your stupid comments that come right off a NASCAR bumper sticker. You sound like da'gum Dale Gribbel from King of the Hill... except YOU'RE A LADY so I'm sure you can figure out how big of a compliment that ISN'T. Have some courtesy. Try smaller handfuls at a broader pace. I shouldn't feel like a machine gun has just deployed when you're only cracking sunflower seeds. On the back of that HUMUNGOUS bag of chips you will find something that says NUTRITIONAL FACTS. In large print (I'm only assuming it's large print, because the bag is the size of a banner) there is something that says SERVING SUGGESTION. Start from there. Take a break in the middle of the day or something; it would probably help my tolerance level if you didn't go on chewing the entire eight hours we're here. It may also keep you from a dangerous choking incident, which, you know, has other positive consequence that are more of your benefit than mine.

After we get this snacking like a lady thing down, perhaps we can move on to the reasons why prefacing all of your statements with "honestly and truly" makes me question your sincerity all the more.

Honestly and truly,
Kayla.